I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
