My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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