Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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