walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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