I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
