Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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