I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
