I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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