matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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