when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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