According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
