my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Your cock deserves a montage
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
