you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
