Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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