Don't make out with my wife yet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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