Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
