The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
