New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
jump out the window naked night went bad
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