Betty ford says i'm here all night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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