why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
