i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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