there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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