Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
