Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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