he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
