When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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