I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
