I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
