so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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