If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
zippers are such a cool invention
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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