I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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