I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
