Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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