god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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