GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
