oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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