I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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