The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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