so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
