3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
