based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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