I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
