How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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