just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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