Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
