I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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