apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
