So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
