god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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