every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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