What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
