the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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