Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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